The DMV is incredible and also super depressing.

I'm currently sitting at the DMV and writing this on my phone so excuse and inconsistencies and weird formatting.

The DMV is amazing. And also terrible. There are 39 people in line before me. I'm number D708 and they just called D669. That's not counting all the other letters in circulation. So probably more than 39.

What can you expect though? There are three DMV's within an hour of me and this is the only "full service" one, meaning the other two don't take care of everything, just a few small things that are wildly unimportant.

I'll probably be here for well over another hour. It's been almost an hour since I got my ticket and since the wifi here is super slow I've been doing a lot of people watching.

It's weird what being stuck with such a variety of people will do.

I mean, the DMV offers a view of the community better than any survey could. Literally everyone has to go to the DMV at some point. So you get people from all backgrounds and all walks of life--D670 was just called. One step closer.

And here we all sit because the DMV is terrible and there is apparently no way they can make it less terrible because it has ALWAYS been terrible.

And people have a weird way of experiencing terribly boring things together.

There's a baby behind me that keeps crying. I don't blame them, if it was socially acceptable for me to scream and cry for being here too long I would.

But like I was saying. There's something weirdly amazing about watching people at a place like this. Every so often someone will recognize someone else and there will be this glowing moment of joy and happy hello's, followed by a dramatic crash shared by both parties as they realize together--D671-- that they're BOTH at the DMV and it is terrible for both of them.

Or when the old guy yells out "HOW MUCH LONGER" from the very back row of seating and the three attendants all roll their eyes together.

The fact that there are three attendants and 11 windows says a lot about the DMV as well.

It's kind of like a Walmart. There are 40 registers but only two people working there. Everyone hates it but also accepts it as a necessary flaw of life.

D672.

Consider for a moment: where else can you go, sit down, and have someone from a completely different demographic that you sit down next to you. You share no interests, no similarities or hobbies or anything except you are both currently at the DMV and probably hate it.

People bypass the stiff impersonal façade they wear every day because if you're going to sit next to someone for two hours you might as well be nice to them.

The baby behind me is still crying and in ANY other scenario people would be irritated and crabby with the mother but not here. Not at the DMV. Because everyone knows she didn't bring the baby for fun. And everyone else feels like screaming and crying too. So instead of being angry people are understanding. A woman with a brigthly painted cane offers it as a toy, the man a few seats down makes faces at the baby to distract it, people offer their sympathies to the mom because they know she's trying and its okay.

There's a little girl with poofy pigtails telling stories to the old woman in the seat behind her, they're laughing and smiling together and these people have never seen each other and may never see eathother ever again.

The DMV is incredible. And horrible and depressing and I'm going to be here for the rest of my life but that's fine because it's neat and entertaining and at least I don't have anywhere to be today.

D673.

It's been 4000 years since I made a post and I hate beans.

Hey there boys and girls time to gather around and listen to me make excuses.

Actually I don't have any, I just didn't ever sit down to write anything because my life went from funny and entertaining to "I'm really busy all the time and stressed out?? ?!?"

But now it's slowed back down and I remembered this blog and decided to write you a thing. Surprise!

Today's topic is "anything I think of while I sit at the computer."

First things first let's talk about things I like that I used to not like. That's what on my brain right now, most notably beans.

I tried being a vegetarian once when I was younger and made it maybe a whole two weeks tops. I'm back to being a vegetarian but I've been wildly more successful in this attempt and in the next couple days here will hit the 5 month mark so good for me.

The diet change has unsurprisingly meant I have to eat foods that I didn't eat before because I can't go to McDonalds four times a day anymore. I got used to eating absurd amounts of fruit really fast and vegetables came close behind but one thing I NEVER liked as a kid has finally made it's smelly way back into my life.

Beans.

I hate beans, they're smushy and have a weird skin and taste like bland and are overall boring and terrible and I love them. It's disgusting. If you were to ask me "Hey, Erin, do you like beans?" I would say "gross no" and then you would say "okay, what are you eating" and I would say "a bowl of beans that I microwaved because they were leftover from the beans I had yesterday. I hate beans though."

And all of that would be true. I eat them in a lot of things and hate them but actually don't? But I do.

I'm the same way with pickles. I order all my food with no pickles please and pick them off things but then eat them out of a jar at my house. Pickles aren't even good they don't have their own taste they're just borrowing vinegar and salt's taste and they have a weird skin too.

Also there are some foods that I continue to buy/order/attempt to eat even though I KNOW I hate them. Like tofu. I cannot get used to just plain boring tofu. Tofu is the kind of food that smells bad but you're not really sure how because it shouldn't have a smell. It's also the kind of food that squeaks when you eat it and if I wanted my food to sass back to me I would eat a teenager.

I bought vegetarian deli slices and will say that even though they were made of tofu they were pretty alright but that may be because I put enough mustard on them to cause actual physical pain in my mouth.

When you've eaten enough mustard in one sitting to actually hurt yourself get back to me.

One thing I'm looking forward to/am apprehensive about are the corndogs I bought.

See, ever since I switched from eating meat to not eating meat I haven't really missed it. I've missed things that are typically based around meat like sandwiches and burgers but I've found ways to eat them without eating animals also. Like soy burgers or whatever,

But one thing I've been actually sad about having to give up was corndogs.

I. Love. Corndogs.

And I'm happy/sad because I found some vegetarian ones with fake meat in them! But I haven't tried them because what if they're terrible and spoil the fond memory of corndogs that I have? So for now they just sit in my freezer.

Anyways I'm terrible at conclusions so this is where this blog post ends. I will probably forget about this blog for another eight months or so, but for now I hope you enjoyed me getting angry at food bye.

I'd like to introduce you to someone very special

Heyyy-o I went to the zoo (eventually I'll put a video up about it) and something very special happened to me. I met someone very very important.

It happened in an instant: we had been at the zoo, in the hot sun, for seven hours. We were wrapping up our trip with a stop in the zoo store. I had decided I wanted a stuffed snake, but couldn't find one that wasn't six feet long. ("I am an adult" I said, "a six foot long stuffed animal snake is for children" oh how I wish I maintained that outlook for more than 15 seconds.)

Anyways, I was just thinking to myself "Man I hope the deodorant in the car isn't melted because I stink" when I saw him.

Partially obscured by the others around him, I could only see part of his face, but when I got closer and saw the rest, I was awestruck.

Without further ado, I'd like to introduce you to Dr. Theodore.

Isn't he great? When I finally got him home we had a nice photoshoot so here are some pictures from that for you to laugh at:

 As you can probably see, Dr. Theo here has a solid Quasimodo-esque asymmetrical face. As you can also see he is very proud and simultaneously terrified looking. Dr. Theo is a swell guy, he's just a little top heavy and needs some help standing upright but he loves to cuddle.

Gwen (my bird) on the other hand, hates Theo. She will launch herself at him and bite him if she deems him too close and can't fly away. I tried to get a picture of my two children together and this was the best I could do:

Notice the uncomfortable lean that Gwen has going on. About half a second after I took this picture she flew away. Not sure why she hates him but it may be his giant, horrified, unwavering gaze.

He does however get along really well with the three foot tall metal rooster I adopted early this spring:

So that's good.

Hey let's talk about plants!!

Hey how's it going today I'm gonna talk about my plants because I'm completely obsessed with them so prepare yourself for the virtual plant tour:

We'll start off the tour with the outside plants because there's not a lot of them~

This is my pineapple sage. Maybe one day it will flower and do it's job (which was to feed the hummingbirds who stop by once a week or so to see if there are any flowers) but for now it just sits there. This picture was right after a thorough haircut.

This is my salvia flower! it used to be much more purple but it has since lost it's petals and isn't very purple anymore.

You can see he has a little teeny trellis around him and that's because his base is very narrow and he has a tendency to whip around really violently in the slightest of breezes.

So now he has a cage!!

This is my barrel of things!!

This little fella is lavender and it would be much bigger if the birds would stop destroying it. I can't find anything online that says birds hate certain plants but the birds only pay attention to this one and the rosemary and they don't even eat them just destroy them.

Here's the previously mentioned rosemary. He's doin' a little better than little lavender and I use him in cooking on the rare occasion that I cook.

This is my bee balm who I'm very proud of because it was small and sad when I got it and is much happier now. He should hopefully flower soon too!!

Now we'll move to the indoor plants!!

Also fresh after a haircut!! From left to right we have: scallions!! leeks!! chives!! and garlic chives!! This is my 'eat these' bin! When I picked up the chives they had a mysterious purple ball on one stem and I showed it to husband and said "Man I sure hope this isn't full of spiders" and the other day it opened and revealed...

Oh? What's that...?

A flower!! Hooray!! Then I found these upon closer inspection:

Human hands!! WOW. But really there are three more flowers on the way. Fun!!

The rest of these plants I'm assuming are not for food.

This is my ponytail. I don't know it's real name. It is much longer than it looks:

It also has human hands!!! WOW. It's like a foot and a half long when held up.

This is a red-edged dracaena and technically there are two stalks in there. It's a little baby and is doing it's best.

This is my twin flower agave!! Maybe one fateful day it will also flower but I like it just how it is anyways.

This was my first ever plant in what I call the 'spiky plant corner' where the ponytail, dracaena, phalaenopsis and succulent are.

This is the succulent!! I included a quarter on the leaf because I'm pretty proud of how big this one is. He's got little pokey ends and a pink-ish middle!!

These are the phalaenopsis. You can see there's a lot of empty space in their pots!! This is because of two things: first, I take them out of the pots to water them. Second is that I don't have any moss to pack them in with!!

These I took home from work after the flowers were cut from them, so they may not be as recognizable like this but this may be more familiar!!

I don't expect them to flower any time soon, probably not for 6 months to a year honestly.

They're a little slower going than some but they hold up pretty well!!!

Here is my newest addition! This is (I'm pretty sure) a climbing philodendron.  It was under like three pounds of dead foliage when I found it and this picture is after an intensive haircut (which isn't quite finished but looking miles better!!) Unfortunately I was too excited and began haircutting before I took a picture. I did check it for bugs and there were none that I could see and it seems to be a relatively healthy plant!

And here they all are!! (minus philodendron.) Next step is to find a prettier way to keep there all in front of the same window. I also can't hang things from the ceiling or walls so I have to find a way to set up those vines to get the most of them!!

If you have any ideas on how to set these up let me know.

ANYWAYS there you go, a tour of all my plants. The end~

Today was my day off and I spent it being really lazy.

Wow it's been awhile I'm sure you've missed my erratic writing and grammar errors.

Hey friends and fam how are you? Good, good glad to hear it anyways let's talk about something really important: me.

Today was my day off and since husband is off and away for work I am also alone.

So today I started my day off by not having a day off and going to a pick up for work at the crack of dawn (not really, like 8 am but that's really early) and I was done and home by 10 am (and I even managed to go to the grocery store wow good job good adulting) and immediately fell asleep.

Then I woke up and had lunch

Then I fell asleep

Then I woke up and had a snack

Then I fell asleep

Then I woke up and had dinner

Then I fell asleep

Now I'm awake and having a snack

Soon I'll be asleep.

So in conclusion I spent like 85% of my day sleeping and eating.

HAHA ADULT LIFE IS OKAY SOMETIMES.

Actual Email I Sent to Husband

Husband is away on work and can only email so I thought this would be a great glimpse into my life for you. Please note this is word for word copied from my email. I didn't change anything.

" I'm glad you found the ChapStick. I want you to know I am too cool and chill to capitalize chapstick like that and that my phone did it automatically. I don't have time for that.

I didn't do any art because I didn't feel like it.  Thanks for the weirdly biased support. Usually you don't care about stuff I care about and now you're like "hey do the thing I agree."  I'm not complaining though. I have some ideas and opportunities I'm looking into. More on that later I suppose. When there's actually something to say.

I got beat up by some trees and the sun today. Pictures included. Actually bled quite a bit but found a really rad adventure spot. Will take you there asap it is lovely. #worth

I made a video of it accompanied by cheerful ukulele music and its on YouTube for the world to see.

Only had one tick on me after the whole ~3hour outdoor shenanigan/wander/inhaler test. Spoiler it helps me breathe and it doesn't hurt my chest to do things but I'm still out of shape and it kinda burns idk.

I went grocery shopping and bought probably way too much lettuce. Oh well I'll just have to be a rabbit this week I guess.

Gwen's been better. I think she wasn't mad at me when she bit me but at my ham sandwich. I tested it by making another one and she got really aggressive and bit me again. Gwen hates ham.

Had some yogurt today. My inhaler doesn't make me sick if I eat right before using it. Like ibuprofen or aspirin do to me too. Or vitamins. Or anything really. Everything makes me sick.

I called my mom three times today and got pulled over for talking on the phone while in the car yesterday. Cop was very nice told me the rules and said have a nice day then drove away.

Anyways its 10:58 pm on Wednesday night and I work tomorrow so I'm gonna go to sleep (and by sleep I meant sit on my phone until at least 1 am or until I hate myself whichever comes first) "

So there you go. I don't know how to include pictures from the blogger mobile app, but the pictures were one of my sunburn on my neck and one of the numerous cuts and scabs on my shins.

Gwen is a bird in case you forgot.

Anyways that's my life in a nutshell.

Grocery Store Shenanigans

Why hello there my curious butterflies!!~

I'm sure you're all just begging me to give you a crashing tour through my grocery store.

WAIT NO LONGER HERE IT IS MY EXTRA SPECIAL FRIENDS!!!

I present to you: Things in My Grocery Store (that are weird or bother me)

Let's start with something not too weird that happens in my grocery store. There's a sushi place. And it's kinda popular? The lady in the seafoam pants was getting sushi too but she was talking about sandwiches. Don't be fooled.

There's also a soup bar, a sandwich bar, fried chicken and mashed potatoes, and pizza made to order.

Like a whole restaurant which isn't that strange but it's just so...popular.

Moving right along, my almost least and simultaneously most favorite part...

The Bagelry. I hate the bagelry because I hate the word bagelry. PLOT TWIST there aren't any bagels. The only bagel is the giant fake one on the wall. It's all bread and muffins. And coffee. I hate the bagelry.

Gross. Look at these gross not dead things. People buy these and kill them and cook them. yuck. bye.

There's nothing weird about gross clams. I just hate them and their smell and I'll never get over it.

Here's something made specifically to pander to the trendy bacon thing that I wish would stop. Someone out there probably thinks this sounds good and that person is wrong.

Popcorn is sacred. You wanna make weird potato chip flavors then fine but leave popcorn out of this.

East coast people are repulsive with foods. Ugh. Get. A. Way. from me with these things blegh.

This is less about weird things and more about things I don't like I guess. Oh well.

If you haven't seen black water yet here it is we have like 40 flavors at my grocery store.

The actual liquid is black. How strange and unappetizing.

Weight-loss chocolate soda!! Because that's not totally gross or anything.

I've never seen anyone buy this brand even, much less the chocolate variety. Zero Carbs!

AND NOW:

White chocolate seltzer! Because there was so much demand for the chocolate soda.

I'm too tired to make this post funny sorry.

Last but not least, the sock aisle. My personal nemesis.

Flanking the sock aisle are magazines and soap. Those aren't important. What's important is the fact that there are SO MANY SOCKS at my grocery store, BUT NO MITTENS.

If there were gloves or mittens included, even if just in winter, I would be okay with this. It would be a section for covering the ends of your limbs, it would be at least semi logical and sensical.

But no. Just socks. And they're not even good socks. They're no name brand socks that are way up charged because WHO buys SOCKS at the GROCERY STORE.

There are even overflowing baskets, seen above, because there are so many socks.

The sock aisle will be the death of me. I truly despise it.

I don't have a good note to end this post on. Just writing about the sock aisle is making me angry. Bye.

To the Bluffs! (and back)

Here's a video I made from footage I shot in the park today, accompanied by ukuleles and bells.

Overbearing Nurses

It seems like this happens consistently every time I call to make an appointment with my doctor. 

The basic setup for making appointments goes like this: you call the appointment number and get an off-site operator who takes your information. If it's a simple appointment ("I need my prescription refilled") she schedules it for you. If it's something she can't immediately make a decision on ("I have all these symptoms what do I do") she calls a nurse from the clinic and has the nurse make the call.

So far every time I've called with so much as a mild cough the nurse is convinced I'm dying.

It takes a lot for me to call in the first place, I tend to minimize problems and pretend they're not there because doctor appointments are so time consuming.

Day four of projectile vomiting? Ah wow what a nasty cold hahaha

Bleeding out my eyes? Gee I must be allergic to my makeup! ohhohoho

But in this case it was "haha wow whenever I run or otherwise exercise I feel like a knife is being driven though my chest weird! Oh man, when I lay down I get really wheezy, crazy! How absurd, whenever I laugh I end up coughing and hacking!"

And this has been going on for AT LEAST a year now.

So I called in and tried to explain chest pains and trouble breathing in the least alarming way possible, but the operator saw right through me and got a nurse on the line.

She was nice, but ultimately thought I was stupid for not being concerned about this.

Her words were: "Do you get this pain when you run?"

I replied "Yeah, I go on a hike or walk everyday too and it does it then as well."

"STOP doing that."

And then I made the mistake of laughing. I chuckled and said "Oh, okay."

I wasn't laughing because I thought she was over reacting, I just laughed because her abrupt order caught me off guard.

That was a mistake however. This woman now is under the impression that I'm laughing at her advice and I had to work for another ten minutes to convince her I would spend today on the couch.

"I'm serious. Don't do that anymore. You need to be seen as soon as possible."

"Okay, I'll take today off."

"If you get that feeling again you need to go to the emergency room. But have someone else drive you."

(Uhh I live alone right now there is no one else) "Okay, I promise I'll spend today doing nothing."

Eventually I convinced her. I don't know whether to be happy that I have an excuse to be lazy or upset because now that I've been ordered not to do anything I just wanna do stuff.

HOW TO REGRESS VIOLENTLY BACK INTO THE NINETIES

Hey there citizens! Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be yanked from your comfortable 2015 home and be beaten mercilessly back 20 years into the past?! ??

WELL DO I HAVE A DEAL FOR YOU!!!!!!!

For a limited time only you can get the hit new old album:

"My neighbors won't turn their music down at 1 am"

Listen now as you contemplate why anyone would do such a thing to someone as innocent as me:




Is is playing? Good, listen along with me while I write the rest of this and suffer through these songs again!

Featuring such classics as

"That song that goes 'love me love me'"

Because does anyone actually know the name of this band??! No! Of course not! Be the hippest of your radical dude's by actually knowing the name of the song is Lovefool and the band is The Cardigans, stylin'!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But don't forget earworms like "The Shrek Song"

Yes you heard me! The Shrek Song! That everyone knows all the words to and absolutely hates! Who DOESN'T want to hear this through their ceiling at 1 am? I am blessed to have such courteous neighbors with such advanced taste in music.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh and who could live without hearing "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" in the middle of the night? Now you don't have to!

You too can listen to Will Smith throw down some sick beats to a light background beat, but don't get too cocky! You only know the televised version, this is the whole song so you'll have to stop singing along halfway through.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let's mix things up! Here's "Over the Rainbow" by Israel "IZ" Kamakawiwo'ole, because you don't actually know his name and good luck spelling it.

In all honesty this is a sweet song and I don't have anything sarcastic to say. Moving on then.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here's another song you have to google the lyrics for in order to find the name:
Save Tonight! By whoever this is.

Yes, because now that it's well after 1 am and I'm laying in bed keeping track of all the old songs that are keeping me awake the last thing I have time for is googling, so this song is officially now called "fight the break of dawn come tomorrow" because that's what I wrote when trying to remember this song.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But what album would be complete without a song that everyone knows and no one knows.

OMC - How Bizzare!

Don't lie, you like this song for the background music. It reflects everything that was nineties beach songs.

If you were to just see the name of this song written down you'd have no idea what it was but boy do you know

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Historical referencessssss!!!!

She's so hiiiiiiiIIIiiIIIIgggghhhhh! Like Cleopatra! Joan of Arc! Or Aphrodite!

Everyone likes this song. Even if you hate it you like it. Who is this mystery girl? Where can I meet her? Can I be her she sounds awesome.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

OH GOD DON'T FORGET THE ANGST!!

What nineties album would be complete without angst! This one wouldn't! So here's a song I hate that I listened to long enough to add it to this playlist: Jumper, or WISH YOU WOULD STEP BACK FROM THAT LEDGE MY FRIEEEeenndd. I can't listen anymore let's get something else.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh Marky Mark! Heck yeah! I truly believe Mark Wahlberg's career of acting will always be overshadowed by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. Here's a song you'll have in your head the rest of the day to end out playlist, you're welcome!!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So for only one low payment of your sanity you too can listen to all the classic nineties hits in the middle of the night against your will!

Because the sound of All Star's shouting and Will Smith gettin' down will surely lull you to sleep. Without a doubt. We guarantee it! 

And if you aren't gently rocked to sleep then you can expect nothing back because you sold your sanity and soul to some sort of demon and you deserve this torment. Or at least that's what must have happened to me.

always give it your all - this might be gross to read

 This post may or may not be riddled with grammar and spelling errors.

I don't get sick that often, but when I do I get really sick.

Feeling a headache coming on? Here's a migraine that will last ten days and impair your vision, have fun getting shots in your butt to cure this one.

Cold symptoms? We had tracheitis last time so let's go with bronchitis. For a week. Or maybe two.

This is unfortunately holding true today, as I sit pitifully wrapped in a blanket on the couch, unable to move without the threat of throwing up again showing it's ugly face.

I'm on day two of puking any time I try to do anything, but at least yesterday I was able to have toast and some soup.

Not today though, today is the day vertigo kicked in and now every time I focus my eyes anywhere the room spins and I gag.

Lovely right?

And I can't even try to sleep this off. Two reasons: One, I have a killer headache and it feels like a metal clamp is being tightened around my skull. And two: If I lay down for more than four seconds Gwen starts screaming like I've left her to die. When in reality I'm six feet from her but she can't see me when I lay down so bird logic says I'm gone forever.

Well, Gwen's been screaming anyways because I don't have the energy or tolerance to chase her around the house and deal with her shenanigans so she's been cooped up all day. It really helps with the headache.

To add insult to injury I have an app on my phone that I use to keep track of my nutritional values for the day, and yesterday it scolded me for not eating enough saying "We will not be giving you your nutrient values for the day until your reach the doctor recommended minimum of 1000-1200 daily calories."

Oh, so two slices of bread and a cup of soup aren't life sustaining? I never would have guessed.

Luckily I can keep water down. And by keep it down I mean I don't immediately vomit after having a drink of it, but I'll probably throw it up later when I try to move or accidentally sneeze or something.

Yes, that happened. I sneezed and without missing a beat threw up, and then sneezed again.

I swear my body was manufactured wrong.

Moral of the story always give 110% on everything you do.

RED ALERT: THIS IS NOT A DRILL

IT;S BACK

IT'S BACK

I GOT IT ON TAPE AND IT'S BACK

DID YOU HEAR IT?! WHAT IS HAPPENING.

Seriously though, the thing that started the idea behind this whole blog happened again. Not two days after Satan crawled out of my storage shed.

So boys and girls, this is my demon. This is only the second time in months that it's made any noise and both times were around 7:00 pm.

I can't make out any real words in there. If you can you should definitely tell me because I'm pretty riled up.

So begins the speculation of where it's coming from. In the direction of my backyard there are a few blocks of residential/small business areas and then it opens up to the river mouth and Long Island Sound.

There's a military base about 6 miles north of me but Husband goes there a lot and says it's not something he's too familiar with there, but he did admit to also hearing it on this occasion so I'm not crazy.

Now I have a creepy pet Satan cat and my demon is speaking again. Not to mention the crows are still hanging out around my car.

I'm definitely haunted, I'm definitely haunted and I'm definitely going to die.

A Cat Named Satan: The Third Warning

Things had been pretty quiet in regards to haunting and strange voices. Of course right as I had settled into my new life of not being stalked by demons they just had to come back.

Let me set the scene for you, this is my storage area:

I couldn't make this up. That is actually my balcony. I took that picture last night.

It's creepy enough on it's own but now I'm convinced it's also a gate to Hell in it's spare time.

I know this because two nights ago I watched Satan himself crawl out of it.

Satan is a cat, by the way.

Here's a drawing of him:

There I was, minding my own business and sitting on the computer completely wasting my day when movement on my balcony caught my eye. We have a lot of really fat squirrels that hang out on our railing so I wasn't too surprised. But when the same black cat that marked my impending doom previously came slinking out of my shed I stopped breathing.

It walked slowly to where Gwen was perched in front of the window and sat down to stare inside my apartment at her.

Now I don't know how you would react if the manifestation of Satan sat down to eye your baby for lunch but nuh-uh I don't care if you carry the souls of the damned on your back I am not having any of this.

So I did what any person would do, I asserted my dominance. I walked over to the window, moved Gwen aside and squatted down to eye level with Satan himself and we had a staring contest.

It only lasted about a minute.

I won. I beat Satan and he went on his way.

Of course now I had to know where he was living. I hadn't seen him on my balcony before this but I had seen him elsewhere on the property. It wasn't hard to find him.

Satan is living under the building across from mine.

So to get on his good side and possibly convince him to call off his demons I'm going to feed him, per my mom's suggestion.

I bought a little bag of cat food and I'm gonna put it under the building and maybe take a picture under the building before I run away.

I'll keep you all updated on my inevitable Satanic encounters.

here's a picture I drew

time to actually draw: ~4 minutes

time to perfect just the right amount of angst and whiny teenager-ness: ~20 years

Based off of my actual outfit today and me being too lazy to try to draw a face.

Nightmares aren't Always Scary

I'm pretty sure everyone had nightmares every now and again. Sometimes they're genuinely terrifying, other times...not so much.

Let's give some examples.

Things I've had nightmares about:

• someone tricking me into giving away one of my couch cushions.
• climbing around with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
• James Bond being tricked by bees.
• Husband coming home from work at an unusual time.
• doing laundry.

None of those are actually scary but you can bet I woke up terrified, sometimes actually screaming.

Let's go into detail!

So Dream #1, I was invited to a huge house party and when I arrived I was informed that I could go anywhere in the house except the ballroom.

I was like what the heck why not and snuck off immediately to find said ballroom, only to discover that one of the bad guys from 101 Dalmatians and a side character from Game of Thrones had kidnapped my ugly couch and were holding it hostage. We bargained for my couch's life but they took one of the cushions anyways.

I woke up in a panic and grasped spastically for Husband's arm in the middle of the night, waking him up in the process.

Dream #2, come on down! This one was in conjunction with the kidnapped couch fiasco. This time though I met up with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and they showed me how to maneuver through the building using a series of hidden pipes in the walls. 

I was just about to get my couch back when I woke up crying, and again woke Husband up in the process.

Dream #3 is one that's haunted me for many years. When I was just a little Erin I remember watching part of a movie with my dad, and somehow that triggered a (at the time) horrific nightmare of James Bond being tricked into falling in a hole by giant bumble bees.

I don't remember the outcome or if I cried or screamed or not but it's highly likely. I was just as weird as a child as I am now.

Dream #4 was actually frightening and had the most dramatic reaction from me. Husband was away for work and wouldn't be home for at least a week, that I knew for certain. So when I "woke up" hearing the front door unlock and someone come into the house alarm bells went off. 

I was like "Oh, Husband is just home really late no big deal--WAIT A SECOND" and then the shadow intruder came into the bedroom and I could see him but not look at him and he had a winter coat on and then I actually woke up. 

This time I woke up screaming at the top of my lungs, and transitioned into yelling "WHO'S THERE" and the like while turning every single light in my apartment on and waking my bird up as I stalked around the house ready to fight off any intruders.

Of course there was no one actually there but it was very scary.

And finally, Dream #5, the laundry mishap. This one is along the lines as the one before, as far as seeing something but not being able to move. Except this time instead of a potentially deadly intruder I was very slowly tripping over a laundry basket and just fell in slow motion forever. Woke up screaming.

Horrifying. 

Another omen...unfortunately.

I thought I had successfully warded off the demon with my new addition to the family, Foo.

I know, what an original name, a foo dog named Foo. Whatever, he's guarding me from demons, he doesn't need a fancy name.

Anyways, even after multiple candlelight tributes to encourage him to protect my apartment, I fear my small statue can only do so much.

It's pretty accepted that one thing crows symbolize is death, or the coming of death.

I mentioned before that the birds have returned to my yard. And for a while I would see new species all the time. First a wren, then a cardinal, then a bluejay, etc etc. Then after a while the songbirds started being replaced by crows. Big crows.

So the abundance of birds that returned after the introduction of Foo has turned into an abundance of crows that now sit outside my window

They don't sit in my backyard, but in the tree on the edge of the parking lot that my window looks over. That's about 5 parking spots away, or about 35 feet.

(Assuming the average car is 6 feet wide and then adding some extra feet for bigger cars. Math, kinda!)

I think the reason they don't get closer is because Foo is doing his best to keep them away from us. What a good little lion dog.

I guess I'll keep burning candles and drying flowers for him to encourage him to keep it up. Meanwhile, if things start happening away from my apartment I might have to hit up the little eclectic shop in the mall near me and see if I can find a little mini-Foo to keep on me when I go places.

Gotta keep them demons away. At this point I'm pretty sure I've just pissed the Megaphone Demon off, much less actually gotten it to leave.

Oh well. I'm not entirely sure why I'm being haunted, but demons probably aren't really that keen on explaining their motives, and I'm not too keen on speaking to one in the first place.

Like I said, I'm content with the demon lurking like a stalker with a restraining order. If it acts up when I'm around town though I'll look into mini-Foo.

Until then I think I'm still okay.

Warding off the Megaphone Demon

After the first night with my demon I became highly suspicious of the noises and things that moved around outside.

About a week after the original incident I realized I may be cursed.

Let me explain the two reasons why:

First, my yard backs up to a wooded area, and it is full of birds. Tons of birds. My bird Gwen will sit and peep at them during the day and they sit on my balcony when it's snowy.

Ever since that fateful night the birds have disappeared. The weather has been consistent, so I've ruled that out.

The only explanation is the birds know I'm cursed and they're staying away on purpose.

Second, I was walking from my apartment to the laundry room, It's not too far, but I do have to walk around the entire length of the building.

It was laundry day, so I had already done this walk twice.

I'm about halfway there when I see a black cat come crawling out from around a corner. Now usually I'm not superstitious but bearing in mind the events of the week before and the fact that my neighbors still refused to let me sleep more than a few hours each night, I was a little wary.

Of course the cat then decides to cross in front of me, sealing my fate.

Let me describe this cat to you. It didn't look especially thin, and at first I thought it was a pet. But as I got closer I realized it was horribly scraggly and had big chunks of fur missing. It was just a generally unnerving cat.

Then, because being cursed once isn't enough. It turned and crossed back in front of me.

AND to seal the deal, once I had walked past it I turned to see it and it's gone, it didn't leave and paw prints in the snow either.

Basically I'm dead already.

So I did what any logical person would do.

I bought a foo dog statue.

This is what it looks like:

I think the dramatic lighting in my bedroom really adds to the atmosphere and the fact that I bought a statue to protect me from demons.

Here's a little snippet from Wikipedia about foo dogs, or "guardian lions":

Statues of guardian lions have traditionally stood in front of Chinese Imperial palaces, Imperial tombs, government offices, temples, and the homes of government officials and the wealthy, from the Han Dynasty (206 BC-AD 220), and were believed to have powerful mythic protective benefits

I'm not Chinese in the least bit but I think it'll be okay. So far since I've built a little shrine around this fella nothing else bad has happened, nor have I received any more omens.

Also the birds have come back to my yard, so I think it's working.

Erin: 1 Demon: 0

Why I Don't Try Things (spoiler alert: it's because I'm bad at them)

Okay.

I like to think I'm a pretty creative person. I like to doodle things and I like to choreograph little dances and sometimes I try to cook things.

Sometimes.

Unfortunately, this is one of those times.

I wanted to make dinner. I had made pretty okay turkey meatballs the night before, they were alright, I didn't like them so much but Husband did.

So, because I had done okay the night before, I went to the grocery store and picked up sandwich supplies:

• Tomato
• Red onion
• Lettuce
• Turkey
• Cheese

Perfect! And to top it off I was going to make homemade bread, from scratch! 

I'm such a good wife.

I had all the ingredients except yeast so I picked up some, and also some chocolate milk for fun.

I found a really basic recipe online, no fancy cornmeal or honey or other things that more food-inclined people put in bread to make it more...more bread-ish?

I followed it to the letter. And this is what I got:

In case you're still confused, my bread didn't turn out. It's cooked all the way through, moist and soft, but dense as a brick, and noticeably pale.

Turns out when the recipe says "Yeast: 1 package, OR 1/4 tsp" it actually means 1/4 oz, which is more like 1/2 tbsp. One half of a tablespoon is about one and a half teaspoons. So I used significantly less yeast than what was needed.

It's not my fault. I'm blaming it on the recipe. It's their fault.

Gwenny liked it at least. 

Sandwich night was ruined. Husband got a burrito from a mexican place near us. I had potato chips, blueberries, chocolate milk and Dr Pepper for dinner.

How grown up of me.

A Haunting

12:00 AM

It has been a full two hours of slow and deliberate ice scraping beneath my window as I try to sleep. My goal was to go to bed earlier than normal to try to be soundly asleep by the time the elephants got home. This is making that impossible.

 I am too afraid of the original demon encounter to go check what the noise is, fearing this is a trap to lure me out.

12:12 AM

The elephants returned from circus training and are joyfully adding to the already droning noises. Alas, I will not rest tonight.

12:35 AM

The constant scraping seems to have gotten the attention of the elephants, as the pacing stopped doing endless circles and instead went to the window above mine and stopped.

12:57 AM

What sounds to have been a large bucket or garbage can has been thrown against the building. I will now brave the demons that lurk outside my walls to see what the actual hell is going on. Wish me luck.

1:00 AM

My suspicions were incorrect. I was also not eaten by demons.

The sounds appear to have been a large plastic shovel being tossed angrily around the parking lot. As I peered through my blinds the man and cause of this ruckus looked up at me. I have a sneaking suspicion he is working with the demon to lure me outside.

Against my better judgement I continued to watch him. It would appear as though he had managed to get his car stuck in the ~3 inches of snow in the parking lot, and his solution was to free it at 1:00 AM by spinning the tires in place very slowly and opening all the doors to his vehicle (including the trunk) while taking breaks to walk around it in circles, pretending to know what snow was and how to deal with it.

This makes me think that if he isn't working with the demon, he too is cursed. How else could you get your car stuck in a snowbank that's a foot wide and three inches deep?

I turned my lights off so I could keep watching him without him seeing me.

Class A creep status: achieved.

1:20 AM

The man freed his vehicle, drove it approximately ten feet, then returned inside. The elephants have been graciously quiet, presumably transfixed by the events unfolding outside.

1:36 AM

It would appear I spoke far too soon, and seeing as now the elephants have nothing to distract themselves with, they have returned to their nightly patrols.

1:56 AM

I believe the elephants are worse than my megaphone demon. After just enough time has passed quietly for my tired eyes to close and my grinding teeth to relax, they begin again. They taunt me, and I fear I will soon sacrifice myself to the megaphone demon to end my suffering.

It has been approximately four hours since I originally tried to go to sleep.

As I sit now, listening to the sounds of bowling balls being rolled across the floor above me, I look down onto the man's car, sitting two parking spaces over from it's original prison, and I can't help but think to myself:

Is this my life now?

The Elephants

My upstairs neighbors only woke me up twice last night so let's talk about them.

At 12:36 AM they got home, I didn't hear them go up the stairs but oh boy did I hear them get home. There was minor cracking and shuffling from the floor above me but overall it instilled a hope in me that maybe, just maybe, tonight I would sleep through the night.

Granted, they had already woken me up once, but I was still hopeful.

At 1:14 AM the pacing began. See, the floors are so creaky that I can follow each individual footstep as they walk around. First the circles began in the bedroom above me, seemingly tracing the place where my own bed sat, as if to say "We know you're sleeping but we don't care." After a while the pacing changed to walking from the bedroom, through the living room, and into the kitchen and back. Repeat.

I had the good fortune to fall asleep here.

At 2:17 AM until 2:25 AM they did their nightly patrol. It's so regular at this point that I expect it. They got up and walked a few circles, went into the hallway, then the living room, and back into the bedroom, this time neglecting to check the kitchen for whatever spookies they patrol for.

There was a short pause, then at 2:29 AM they did another few laps around the bedroom before I was more tired than I was irritated and fell asleep.

This is a pretty standard night. I can count on my fingers how many nights I've not woken up even once in the two months that we've lived here, and I'm pretty sure at this point it's because they didn't come home those nights.

I don't know why they patrol, but one of my theories was they had a massive nervous dog that was the cause of all the noise. Until last night that would have made sense, but last night the footsteps were so loud and heavy you could tell it wasn't a dog, but an elephant miraculously walking on two legs. Amazing!

They're nice people and the floors aren't their fault but oh my god just once I'd like to sleep the whole night.

I'm fairly sure they are working directly with the megaphone demon that's haunting me to make me miserable. Or maybe they're not walking around at all, maybe it's the megaphone demon trying to trick me into murdering them.

Well I won't. Too smart for you, demon.