HOW TO REGRESS VIOLENTLY BACK INTO THE NINETIES

Hey there citizens! Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be yanked from your comfortable 2015 home and be beaten mercilessly back 20 years into the past?! ??

WELL DO I HAVE A DEAL FOR YOU!!!!!!!

For a limited time only you can get the hit new old album:

"My neighbors won't turn their music down at 1 am"

Listen now as you contemplate why anyone would do such a thing to someone as innocent as me:




Is is playing? Good, listen along with me while I write the rest of this and suffer through these songs again!

Featuring such classics as

"That song that goes 'love me love me'"

Because does anyone actually know the name of this band??! No! Of course not! Be the hippest of your radical dude's by actually knowing the name of the song is Lovefool and the band is The Cardigans, stylin'!!

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But don't forget earworms like "The Shrek Song"

Yes you heard me! The Shrek Song! That everyone knows all the words to and absolutely hates! Who DOESN'T want to hear this through their ceiling at 1 am? I am blessed to have such courteous neighbors with such advanced taste in music.

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Oh and who could live without hearing "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" in the middle of the night? Now you don't have to!

You too can listen to Will Smith throw down some sick beats to a light background beat, but don't get too cocky! You only know the televised version, this is the whole song so you'll have to stop singing along halfway through.

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Let's mix things up! Here's "Over the Rainbow" by Israel "IZ" Kamakawiwo'ole, because you don't actually know his name and good luck spelling it.

In all honesty this is a sweet song and I don't have anything sarcastic to say. Moving on then.

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Here's another song you have to google the lyrics for in order to find the name:
Save Tonight! By whoever this is.

Yes, because now that it's well after 1 am and I'm laying in bed keeping track of all the old songs that are keeping me awake the last thing I have time for is googling, so this song is officially now called "fight the break of dawn come tomorrow" because that's what I wrote when trying to remember this song.

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But what album would be complete without a song that everyone knows and no one knows.

OMC - How Bizzare!

Don't lie, you like this song for the background music. It reflects everything that was nineties beach songs.

If you were to just see the name of this song written down you'd have no idea what it was but boy do you know

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Historical referencessssss!!!!

She's so hiiiiiiiIIIiiIIIIgggghhhhh! Like Cleopatra! Joan of Arc! Or Aphrodite!

Everyone likes this song. Even if you hate it you like it. Who is this mystery girl? Where can I meet her? Can I be her she sounds awesome.

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OH GOD DON'T FORGET THE ANGST!!

What nineties album would be complete without angst! This one wouldn't! So here's a song I hate that I listened to long enough to add it to this playlist: Jumper, or WISH YOU WOULD STEP BACK FROM THAT LEDGE MY FRIEEEeenndd. I can't listen anymore let's get something else.

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Oh Marky Mark! Heck yeah! I truly believe Mark Wahlberg's career of acting will always be overshadowed by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. Here's a song you'll have in your head the rest of the day to end out playlist, you're welcome!!


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So for only one low payment of your sanity you too can listen to all the classic nineties hits in the middle of the night against your will!

Because the sound of All Star's shouting and Will Smith gettin' down will surely lull you to sleep. Without a doubt. We guarantee it! 

And if you aren't gently rocked to sleep then you can expect nothing back because you sold your sanity and soul to some sort of demon and you deserve this torment. Or at least that's what must have happened to me.

always give it your all - this might be gross to read

 This post may or may not be riddled with grammar and spelling errors.

I don't get sick that often, but when I do I get really sick.

Feeling a headache coming on? Here's a migraine that will last ten days and impair your vision, have fun getting shots in your butt to cure this one.

Cold symptoms? We had tracheitis last time so let's go with bronchitis. For a week. Or maybe two.

This is unfortunately holding true today, as I sit pitifully wrapped in a blanket on the couch, unable to move without the threat of throwing up again showing it's ugly face.

I'm on day two of puking any time I try to do anything, but at least yesterday I was able to have toast and some soup.

Not today though, today is the day vertigo kicked in and now every time I focus my eyes anywhere the room spins and I gag.

Lovely right?

And I can't even try to sleep this off. Two reasons: One, I have a killer headache and it feels like a metal clamp is being tightened around my skull. And two: If I lay down for more than four seconds Gwen starts screaming like I've left her to die. When in reality I'm six feet from her but she can't see me when I lay down so bird logic says I'm gone forever.

Well, Gwen's been screaming anyways because I don't have the energy or tolerance to chase her around the house and deal with her shenanigans so she's been cooped up all day. It really helps with the headache.

To add insult to injury I have an app on my phone that I use to keep track of my nutritional values for the day, and yesterday it scolded me for not eating enough saying "We will not be giving you your nutrient values for the day until your reach the doctor recommended minimum of 1000-1200 daily calories."

Oh, so two slices of bread and a cup of soup aren't life sustaining? I never would have guessed.

Luckily I can keep water down. And by keep it down I mean I don't immediately vomit after having a drink of it, but I'll probably throw it up later when I try to move or accidentally sneeze or something.

Yes, that happened. I sneezed and without missing a beat threw up, and then sneezed again.

I swear my body was manufactured wrong.

Moral of the story always give 110% on everything you do.

RED ALERT: THIS IS NOT A DRILL

IT;S BACK

IT'S BACK

I GOT IT ON TAPE AND IT'S BACK

DID YOU HEAR IT?! WHAT IS HAPPENING.

Seriously though, the thing that started the idea behind this whole blog happened again. Not two days after Satan crawled out of my storage shed.

So boys and girls, this is my demon. This is only the second time in months that it's made any noise and both times were around 7:00 pm.

I can't make out any real words in there. If you can you should definitely tell me because I'm pretty riled up.

So begins the speculation of where it's coming from. In the direction of my backyard there are a few blocks of residential/small business areas and then it opens up to the river mouth and Long Island Sound.

There's a military base about 6 miles north of me but Husband goes there a lot and says it's not something he's too familiar with there, but he did admit to also hearing it on this occasion so I'm not crazy.

Now I have a creepy pet Satan cat and my demon is speaking again. Not to mention the crows are still hanging out around my car.

I'm definitely haunted, I'm definitely haunted and I'm definitely going to die.

A Cat Named Satan: The Third Warning

Things had been pretty quiet in regards to haunting and strange voices. Of course right as I had settled into my new life of not being stalked by demons they just had to come back.

Let me set the scene for you, this is my storage area:

I couldn't make this up. That is actually my balcony. I took that picture last night.

It's creepy enough on it's own but now I'm convinced it's also a gate to Hell in it's spare time.

I know this because two nights ago I watched Satan himself crawl out of it.

Satan is a cat, by the way.

Here's a drawing of him:

There I was, minding my own business and sitting on the computer completely wasting my day when movement on my balcony caught my eye. We have a lot of really fat squirrels that hang out on our railing so I wasn't too surprised. But when the same black cat that marked my impending doom previously came slinking out of my shed I stopped breathing.

It walked slowly to where Gwen was perched in front of the window and sat down to stare inside my apartment at her.

Now I don't know how you would react if the manifestation of Satan sat down to eye your baby for lunch but nuh-uh I don't care if you carry the souls of the damned on your back I am not having any of this.

So I did what any person would do, I asserted my dominance. I walked over to the window, moved Gwen aside and squatted down to eye level with Satan himself and we had a staring contest.

It only lasted about a minute.

I won. I beat Satan and he went on his way.

Of course now I had to know where he was living. I hadn't seen him on my balcony before this but I had seen him elsewhere on the property. It wasn't hard to find him.

Satan is living under the building across from mine.

So to get on his good side and possibly convince him to call off his demons I'm going to feed him, per my mom's suggestion.

I bought a little bag of cat food and I'm gonna put it under the building and maybe take a picture under the building before I run away.

I'll keep you all updated on my inevitable Satanic encounters.

here's a picture I drew

time to actually draw: ~4 minutes

time to perfect just the right amount of angst and whiny teenager-ness: ~20 years

Based off of my actual outfit today and me being too lazy to try to draw a face.