Actual Email I Sent to Husband

Husband is away on work and can only email so I thought this would be a great glimpse into my life for you. Please note this is word for word copied from my email. I didn't change anything.

" I'm glad you found the ChapStick. I want you to know I am too cool and chill to capitalize chapstick like that and that my phone did it automatically. I don't have time for that.

I didn't do any art because I didn't feel like it.  Thanks for the weirdly biased support. Usually you don't care about stuff I care about and now you're like "hey do the thing I agree."  I'm not complaining though. I have some ideas and opportunities I'm looking into. More on that later I suppose. When there's actually something to say.

I got beat up by some trees and the sun today. Pictures included. Actually bled quite a bit but found a really rad adventure spot. Will take you there asap it is lovely. #worth

I made a video of it accompanied by cheerful ukulele music and its on YouTube for the world to see.

Only had one tick on me after the whole ~3hour outdoor shenanigan/wander/inhaler test. Spoiler it helps me breathe and it doesn't hurt my chest to do things but I'm still out of shape and it kinda burns idk.

I went grocery shopping and bought probably way too much lettuce. Oh well I'll just have to be a rabbit this week I guess.

Gwen's been better. I think she wasn't mad at me when she bit me but at my ham sandwich. I tested it by making another one and she got really aggressive and bit me again. Gwen hates ham.

Had some yogurt today. My inhaler doesn't make me sick if I eat right before using it. Like ibuprofen or aspirin do to me too. Or vitamins. Or anything really. Everything makes me sick.

I called my mom three times today and got pulled over for talking on the phone while in the car yesterday. Cop was very nice told me the rules and said have a nice day then drove away.

Anyways its 10:58 pm on Wednesday night and I work tomorrow so I'm gonna go to sleep (and by sleep I meant sit on my phone until at least 1 am or until I hate myself whichever comes first) "

So there you go. I don't know how to include pictures from the blogger mobile app, but the pictures were one of my sunburn on my neck and one of the numerous cuts and scabs on my shins.

Gwen is a bird in case you forgot.

Anyways that's my life in a nutshell.

Grocery Store Shenanigans

Why hello there my curious butterflies!!~

I'm sure you're all just begging me to give you a crashing tour through my grocery store.

WAIT NO LONGER HERE IT IS MY EXTRA SPECIAL FRIENDS!!!

I present to you: Things in My Grocery Store (that are weird or bother me)

Let's start with something not too weird that happens in my grocery store. There's a sushi place. And it's kinda popular? The lady in the seafoam pants was getting sushi too but she was talking about sandwiches. Don't be fooled.

There's also a soup bar, a sandwich bar, fried chicken and mashed potatoes, and pizza made to order.

Like a whole restaurant which isn't that strange but it's just so...popular.

Moving right along, my almost least and simultaneously most favorite part...

The Bagelry. I hate the bagelry because I hate the word bagelry. PLOT TWIST there aren't any bagels. The only bagel is the giant fake one on the wall. It's all bread and muffins. And coffee. I hate the bagelry.

Gross. Look at these gross not dead things. People buy these and kill them and cook them. yuck. bye.

There's nothing weird about gross clams. I just hate them and their smell and I'll never get over it.

Here's something made specifically to pander to the trendy bacon thing that I wish would stop. Someone out there probably thinks this sounds good and that person is wrong.

Popcorn is sacred. You wanna make weird potato chip flavors then fine but leave popcorn out of this.

East coast people are repulsive with foods. Ugh. Get. A. Way. from me with these things blegh.

This is less about weird things and more about things I don't like I guess. Oh well.

If you haven't seen black water yet here it is we have like 40 flavors at my grocery store.

The actual liquid is black. How strange and unappetizing.

Weight-loss chocolate soda!! Because that's not totally gross or anything.

I've never seen anyone buy this brand even, much less the chocolate variety. Zero Carbs!

AND NOW:

White chocolate seltzer! Because there was so much demand for the chocolate soda.

I'm too tired to make this post funny sorry.

Last but not least, the sock aisle. My personal nemesis.

Flanking the sock aisle are magazines and soap. Those aren't important. What's important is the fact that there are SO MANY SOCKS at my grocery store, BUT NO MITTENS.

If there were gloves or mittens included, even if just in winter, I would be okay with this. It would be a section for covering the ends of your limbs, it would be at least semi logical and sensical.

But no. Just socks. And they're not even good socks. They're no name brand socks that are way up charged because WHO buys SOCKS at the GROCERY STORE.

There are even overflowing baskets, seen above, because there are so many socks.

The sock aisle will be the death of me. I truly despise it.

I don't have a good note to end this post on. Just writing about the sock aisle is making me angry. Bye.

To the Bluffs! (and back)

Here's a video I made from footage I shot in the park today, accompanied by ukuleles and bells.

Overbearing Nurses

It seems like this happens consistently every time I call to make an appointment with my doctor. 

The basic setup for making appointments goes like this: you call the appointment number and get an off-site operator who takes your information. If it's a simple appointment ("I need my prescription refilled") she schedules it for you. If it's something she can't immediately make a decision on ("I have all these symptoms what do I do") she calls a nurse from the clinic and has the nurse make the call.

So far every time I've called with so much as a mild cough the nurse is convinced I'm dying.

It takes a lot for me to call in the first place, I tend to minimize problems and pretend they're not there because doctor appointments are so time consuming.

Day four of projectile vomiting? Ah wow what a nasty cold hahaha

Bleeding out my eyes? Gee I must be allergic to my makeup! ohhohoho

But in this case it was "haha wow whenever I run or otherwise exercise I feel like a knife is being driven though my chest weird! Oh man, when I lay down I get really wheezy, crazy! How absurd, whenever I laugh I end up coughing and hacking!"

And this has been going on for AT LEAST a year now.

So I called in and tried to explain chest pains and trouble breathing in the least alarming way possible, but the operator saw right through me and got a nurse on the line.

She was nice, but ultimately thought I was stupid for not being concerned about this.

Her words were: "Do you get this pain when you run?"

I replied "Yeah, I go on a hike or walk everyday too and it does it then as well."

"STOP doing that."

And then I made the mistake of laughing. I chuckled and said "Oh, okay."

I wasn't laughing because I thought she was over reacting, I just laughed because her abrupt order caught me off guard.

That was a mistake however. This woman now is under the impression that I'm laughing at her advice and I had to work for another ten minutes to convince her I would spend today on the couch.

"I'm serious. Don't do that anymore. You need to be seen as soon as possible."

"Okay, I'll take today off."

"If you get that feeling again you need to go to the emergency room. But have someone else drive you."

(Uhh I live alone right now there is no one else) "Okay, I promise I'll spend today doing nothing."

Eventually I convinced her. I don't know whether to be happy that I have an excuse to be lazy or upset because now that I've been ordered not to do anything I just wanna do stuff.

HOW TO REGRESS VIOLENTLY BACK INTO THE NINETIES

Hey there citizens! Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be yanked from your comfortable 2015 home and be beaten mercilessly back 20 years into the past?! ??

WELL DO I HAVE A DEAL FOR YOU!!!!!!!

For a limited time only you can get the hit new old album:

"My neighbors won't turn their music down at 1 am"

Listen now as you contemplate why anyone would do such a thing to someone as innocent as me:




Is is playing? Good, listen along with me while I write the rest of this and suffer through these songs again!

Featuring such classics as

"That song that goes 'love me love me'"

Because does anyone actually know the name of this band??! No! Of course not! Be the hippest of your radical dude's by actually knowing the name of the song is Lovefool and the band is The Cardigans, stylin'!!

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But don't forget earworms like "The Shrek Song"

Yes you heard me! The Shrek Song! That everyone knows all the words to and absolutely hates! Who DOESN'T want to hear this through their ceiling at 1 am? I am blessed to have such courteous neighbors with such advanced taste in music.

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Oh and who could live without hearing "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" in the middle of the night? Now you don't have to!

You too can listen to Will Smith throw down some sick beats to a light background beat, but don't get too cocky! You only know the televised version, this is the whole song so you'll have to stop singing along halfway through.

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Let's mix things up! Here's "Over the Rainbow" by Israel "IZ" Kamakawiwo'ole, because you don't actually know his name and good luck spelling it.

In all honesty this is a sweet song and I don't have anything sarcastic to say. Moving on then.

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Here's another song you have to google the lyrics for in order to find the name:
Save Tonight! By whoever this is.

Yes, because now that it's well after 1 am and I'm laying in bed keeping track of all the old songs that are keeping me awake the last thing I have time for is googling, so this song is officially now called "fight the break of dawn come tomorrow" because that's what I wrote when trying to remember this song.

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But what album would be complete without a song that everyone knows and no one knows.

OMC - How Bizzare!

Don't lie, you like this song for the background music. It reflects everything that was nineties beach songs.

If you were to just see the name of this song written down you'd have no idea what it was but boy do you know

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Historical referencessssss!!!!

She's so hiiiiiiiIIIiiIIIIgggghhhhh! Like Cleopatra! Joan of Arc! Or Aphrodite!

Everyone likes this song. Even if you hate it you like it. Who is this mystery girl? Where can I meet her? Can I be her she sounds awesome.

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OH GOD DON'T FORGET THE ANGST!!

What nineties album would be complete without angst! This one wouldn't! So here's a song I hate that I listened to long enough to add it to this playlist: Jumper, or WISH YOU WOULD STEP BACK FROM THAT LEDGE MY FRIEEEeenndd. I can't listen anymore let's get something else.

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Oh Marky Mark! Heck yeah! I truly believe Mark Wahlberg's career of acting will always be overshadowed by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. Here's a song you'll have in your head the rest of the day to end out playlist, you're welcome!!


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So for only one low payment of your sanity you too can listen to all the classic nineties hits in the middle of the night against your will!

Because the sound of All Star's shouting and Will Smith gettin' down will surely lull you to sleep. Without a doubt. We guarantee it! 

And if you aren't gently rocked to sleep then you can expect nothing back because you sold your sanity and soul to some sort of demon and you deserve this torment. Or at least that's what must have happened to me.

always give it your all - this might be gross to read

 This post may or may not be riddled with grammar and spelling errors.

I don't get sick that often, but when I do I get really sick.

Feeling a headache coming on? Here's a migraine that will last ten days and impair your vision, have fun getting shots in your butt to cure this one.

Cold symptoms? We had tracheitis last time so let's go with bronchitis. For a week. Or maybe two.

This is unfortunately holding true today, as I sit pitifully wrapped in a blanket on the couch, unable to move without the threat of throwing up again showing it's ugly face.

I'm on day two of puking any time I try to do anything, but at least yesterday I was able to have toast and some soup.

Not today though, today is the day vertigo kicked in and now every time I focus my eyes anywhere the room spins and I gag.

Lovely right?

And I can't even try to sleep this off. Two reasons: One, I have a killer headache and it feels like a metal clamp is being tightened around my skull. And two: If I lay down for more than four seconds Gwen starts screaming like I've left her to die. When in reality I'm six feet from her but she can't see me when I lay down so bird logic says I'm gone forever.

Well, Gwen's been screaming anyways because I don't have the energy or tolerance to chase her around the house and deal with her shenanigans so she's been cooped up all day. It really helps with the headache.

To add insult to injury I have an app on my phone that I use to keep track of my nutritional values for the day, and yesterday it scolded me for not eating enough saying "We will not be giving you your nutrient values for the day until your reach the doctor recommended minimum of 1000-1200 daily calories."

Oh, so two slices of bread and a cup of soup aren't life sustaining? I never would have guessed.

Luckily I can keep water down. And by keep it down I mean I don't immediately vomit after having a drink of it, but I'll probably throw it up later when I try to move or accidentally sneeze or something.

Yes, that happened. I sneezed and without missing a beat threw up, and then sneezed again.

I swear my body was manufactured wrong.

Moral of the story always give 110% on everything you do.

RED ALERT: THIS IS NOT A DRILL

IT;S BACK

IT'S BACK

I GOT IT ON TAPE AND IT'S BACK

DID YOU HEAR IT?! WHAT IS HAPPENING.

Seriously though, the thing that started the idea behind this whole blog happened again. Not two days after Satan crawled out of my storage shed.

So boys and girls, this is my demon. This is only the second time in months that it's made any noise and both times were around 7:00 pm.

I can't make out any real words in there. If you can you should definitely tell me because I'm pretty riled up.

So begins the speculation of where it's coming from. In the direction of my backyard there are a few blocks of residential/small business areas and then it opens up to the river mouth and Long Island Sound.

There's a military base about 6 miles north of me but Husband goes there a lot and says it's not something he's too familiar with there, but he did admit to also hearing it on this occasion so I'm not crazy.

Now I have a creepy pet Satan cat and my demon is speaking again. Not to mention the crows are still hanging out around my car.

I'm definitely haunted, I'm definitely haunted and I'm definitely going to die.